On Limerence

A few posts back I made mention of the phenomenon of limerence. The word is a relatively new one, though the phenomenon is anything but. I mention it because I've been making an active study of it, and reading the seminal work on the phenomenon: Dorothy Tennov's Love and Limerence: The Experience of Being in Love. For those of you in the cheap seats, allow me to begin with a definition (not my words):

"Limerence is an involuntary cognitive and emotional state characterized primarily by intrusive thinking, longing for reciprocation, and sensitivity to external events that signify uncertainty on the one hand, and hope of reciprocation on the other. It can be experienced as intense joy or as extreme despair, depending on the perceived behavior of the "limerent object," the person whose returned feeling is desired."

Essentially, limerence is what many people would call "romantic love," or "being in love." It is argued that limerence is a completely separate phenomenon from "true love," although they may occur at the same time. I would also posit that the "limerent object," or LO, would be the same as the "one-itis" that we hear spoken of in the PUA community. Hence the reason I feel this topic belongs in my blog.

First off, allow me to say that there is a notable percentage of the population who have never been limerent. That is not to say that they are incapable of it, although I would certainly guess that such people do exist. So to those of you who have never experienced this phenomenon, I say "bully for you." Personally, I've been limerent more times than I can remember, although admittedly, a great number of those times occurred between the ages of about 10 and 16. Girly crushes and infatuations, mostly, so no big deal. But ever since I started actually consummating my infatuations, limerence has become a more important experience. My focus as of late, however, has been in heading the opposite way, that is to say, avoiding limerence like the plague.

Let's face it, anything that takes over your senses to the extent that limerence does, that makes you see someone's failings and yet make excuses for them all day long, anything that essentially, robs you of your sanity, however temporarily, as limerence does, is NOT a good thing when trying to keep a cool head and practice seduction. How, then, does one who is known to be capable of limerence, avoid the dreaded "one-itis"?

I cannot speak to all occasions, to all people, or even to all members of one gender. The book does not address this topic. But I did want to share how I've handled it thus far (and with what I consider to be success). The first and more obvious part of the equation is to detach from the outcome. This is something that PUA drills into everyone quite thoroughly. What I learned from the more subtle seduction side of things, however, is something I consider even more valuable: make a study of your prey. Know them better than they know themselves. Learn their foibles, their imperfections, their buttons and their baggage. Then, accept them, and love them anyway.

See, a limerent person sees their LO's imperfections, but ignores, dismisses or makes excuses for them. The seducer sees their LO's imperfections, and holds them very clearly in focus. They are among the best tools the seducer has in their arsenal: use the victim's weaknesses against them. Because you're spending so much time with their less glorious traits right in front of your face, you know from the start that this person is human, fallible, and not worthy of the worship implied in limerence. True, the experience of limerence is capable of bringing you to otherwise unattainable heights, but it can also bring you low more quickly and more often than any sane human should want. So by focusing on someone's faults, and yet accepting them, and finding the things about the person that are worth loving and appreciating, you avoid the insanity of limerence, and are capable of controlling not only your feelings for them, but also theirs for you.

Can this backfire? I suppose so. In an upcoming post, however, I'll be sharing just how nice it can be to skip over the BS of limerence, and move straight into the deeper, more rewarding kind of love of which two humans are capable.

The Dirt

OK, I know you've all been waiting with bated breath. Here's the dirt on what went down during my tryst with Mr. Married.

I got settled into my hotel room, which involved both getting dressed in a specific outfit, and laying out all of my toys for easy access. The outfit I wore was a bit of a collaborative effort; he gave me some specifications about the types of clothing he liked, and I found them and bought them. But there was a twist, here...everything had to be disposable. We both like the use of force and the shredding of clothing, so I put together a low-cost (but surprisingly high-class) outfit from thrift and bargain store finds. I also used a bra that I've never really liked, because the inexpensive one I chose specifically for this purpose turned out to be more comfortable (and more...uplifting) than I expected. :)

As for the toys...I have quite an array! So I laid them out by type...pain here, restraint next to them, over here are all of the fun things for creating different sensations, and right next to the bed, the necessary condoms and lube. He was utterly delighted to have such an assortment at his disposal. Most, if not all, of his other playmates are married, so they don't get to bring along
their goodies. But I'm getting ahead of myself.

So I get everything set up, and give him a call. He's running a bit behind schedule, so I put a small measure of disappointment in my voice; hopefully enough to let him know he'll be missed, but not so much that he feels pressured. He promises to finish things up at work and call back shortly. When he does, he says he'll be arriving in five minutes! I had not counted on such short notice, so I was glad that I had laid everything out beforehand.

A knock on my door. A familiar face through the peephole...let the fun begin!

Just a few seconds after opening the door, I found myself pinned up against it, with my hands being tied behind my back. Granted, I put up only a token struggle, but it was still a very nice feeling to be aggressively overpowered by someone. Some kissing, biting, clothing ripping and hair-pulling later, I'm tied to a chair with my hands cuffed behind it. Then he leaves.

But not for long. :)

A quick trip down to his vehicle, and he returns with a rather large duffel bag that makes an ominously loud thump when he tosses it on the floor. I watch in awe as he takes out pieces of wood, hardware, and a portable drill, and proceeds to build what amounts to a portable, multi-function spreader bar! OK, I'm majorly impressed at this point. Apparently it's no big deal for him, as he really enjoys building stuff. It's a pretty big deal for me, though, especially considering watching him build it gives me several minutes to reflect on how it's going to feel when it's being used on me...

And use it he did. I cannot express how much I adore feeling helpless. And then, having someone administer pleasure and pain while I'm helpless is just beyond arousing. And this he did for me, in spades. Apparently his big turn-on is nice skin. So having an abundance of that at his disposal, bound and helpless, was rather enjoyable from his side of things as well. He made good use of clamps, clothespins, vibrators, floggers, dildos and more. I now have muscle soreness in muscles I didn't even know I possessed, just from tensing and relaxing in response to his ministrations.

After toying with me for I-don't-know-how-long, he followed up with an awesome massage (which I'm sure helped with the muscle soreness; goodness only knows how sore I'd be if not for that). I returned the massage, and even busted out my thousand-tiny-fingers massage mitts that feel oh-so-awesome when used on hands and arms.

And, um, that was about it.

I know what you're thinking...what?! No sex? Yeah, that's what I was thinking too. But apparently he is on meds that give him a limited window of opportunity. Once he loses his hard-on, the fat lady has sung. I was very surprised by this, as he strikes me as a healthy young guy. I also quite wished I'd had a forewarning about this effect, as it would have prompted me to make sure that he got his fill before it was too late. Of course it's possible that this is something akin to a tactic I used to use on dates; I'd pay for the first date, and tell the guy that he could pay for the second one. Guys, with their egos, would always have to ask for that second date. Likewise, I now have to go back for more Mr. Married, just to find out how nice it will feel to fuck him. Clever, that man. ;)

Oh, and I got to keep the custom-built toy. :D

Quick update

Things have been moving a bit slower for me lately, as some of my plans come to fruition. Admittedly, I haven't been working as hard at bringing new people into my life the last few weeks either. I'm actually working on a big, long post for you on limerence, but such things take time to compose (and I keep not liking what I've written and deleting a bunch of it...I can be a perfectionist sometimes). But I wanted to let you know what little developments have been happening, just the same.

The thing that's been occupying most of my mind this week is the big meetup with Mr. Married. It happens at the end of the week and I have to admit I'm just a leeetle bit freaked out. I've never done anything quite like this, or at least not in this manner (all planned long distance and a possible one-shot deal), so it's a bit disconcerting for me. Still, I have every intention of following through, and dishing as many dirty details as I dare. ;)

Things are going well with Rebel, we're just sort of floating along on autopilot. I'm curious to see how he'll react to all the marks I expect Mr. Married to leave on me, but not all that worried about it. If it bugs him, I'll just stay away for a week or so while they disappear.

Joseph is another story; he called me at about 2am one morning, for some reason assuming I am a night creature. I later set him straight on this fact, and then he invited me over to help him with yard work (wtf?). I don't know what to make of this guy.

Old Flame is probably going to be coming to my neck of the woods, though I don't as yet have any idea when. He'll be bringing his new nymph along, and we are planning on going whitewater rafting, so I'll get to meet her, see my old friend again, and have some fun in the process.

There you have it, my week, in a nutshell. How is yours going?

Somewhat Uncomfortable

So I'm in a local fast food joint with Rebel yesterday, having a midday feast while spending the day hitting various shopping venues. He looks across the room and says to me "Hey, I bet that guy looks familiar to you!"

Since I'm relatively new in town, and know only a handful of locals, I have a good idea of who it might be. By the fact that it is Rebel asking me this question, and he and I have an even narrower group of mutual acquaintances, I'm utterly certain before I turn my head.

"Hey, Joseph!" I holler, and wave. He comes over, looking like absolute toast, and slides into the booth beside Rebel. I ask him why he looks so rotten, and he confesses to letting his Cinco de Mayo celebrations run over into the seis de Mayo as well, producing this lovely hangover. Then his number is called, and he goes back to the counter to get his food.

"How'd you remember his name?" Rebel asks. Oops. He has no idea I've been re-visiting the steakhouse every two weeks in an effort to strike up a friendship with this guy. While I didn't fess up immediately, things were eventually said that let him know I've seen him since the last time Rebel and I had visited the steakhouse together.

Speaking of which, I made my third visit over this past weekend, and I sense something amiss with Joseph, but I don't think it has anything to do with him being married. In fact, judging by some things he's said and some of the habits I see in him, I suspect he's working on getting over someone. I'm betting my initial assessment of no ring = available is correct, though I'm finding myself wanting him as more than a friend less and less as time goes on.

Mostly, I don't want to be a rebound, or anything even close. Much the same reason taking up with Eirich became less than desirable, but that sort of took care of itself, thanks to his total lack of manners. Joseph, on the other hand, still has many appealing qualities, and as I've been learning, we have far more in common than I could previously have imagined. In the interest of not giving away his identity, I'll refrain from specifics, but suffice it to say that we have both done some of the same very unusual things in our lives, and made some of the same, quite unpopular decisions.

But back to yesterday, and where the discomfort comes in. He comes back with his food, and commences chowing down. During conversation, Rebel makes mention of his friend who works in the kitchen of the steakhouse, and Joseph says something incredibly rude about him. Ouch. It's not like I am looking for these guys to be friends, or anything (quite the opposite; I envision myself keeping associations with them as separate as possible), but I don't like this sort of slam. Even though I hardly know the guy in question, I think Joseph's distaste for him might have been more obliquely stated. Still, dude is probably feeling like shite, so I excuse him the bluntness.

I won't say the conversation degenerated from there, but it didn't get much better. One of the other topics that came along was preferences in looks. Joseph's preference is for tall women (I don't even come close to meeting that...which makes me that much more secure in the idea that I can avoid rebound territory), whereas Rebel goes more for...humans that have vaginas. And all their teeth. I admitted to appreciating high cheekbones; unfortunately my illustration was (unbeknownst to me) 19 years old and a stoner. I'm sure this raised Joseph's esteem for me exponentially. NOT.

Still, as he was leaving, he admitted that he had thrown away my number (I'd scribbled it on the back of a receipt during my last visit), and indicated he wanted it again. So I now have his cell number, and he mine, though I don't intend to use his before hearing from him. It'll just be nice to be able to see who's calling, if he calls. I have a tendency to use my most pleasant voice for those I'm...working on. :)

Old Flame Burning

OK, so it's not about one of my active seductions, but hey; I know some pretty interesting people, and sometimes their lives are juicier than mine. ;)

I got the chance to catch up with Old Flame a bit more last night, and learned something that surprised me very, very much.

He's in love.

No, not with his wife, either. Actually, I'd call his current state "limerence," but more on that in a later post. And while I'm happy for him, I feel very bad for those with whom he's currently involved, especially his love object. She's close to two decades his junior, and I'm terribly afraid that this is a bid on Old Flame's part to gratify a middle-age ego crisis. I cannot say this with any certainty, of course, and I'd be the last to ridicule someone else's way of going about love. But I did want to put this prediction down somewhere, so that in a few months, years, or whatevers, I can check back and see if my read was anywhere near correct. It's based solely on what I know about Old Flame, since I've never met the girl in question.

In any event, it seems Old Flame has seriously complicated his life. Not that that is a new activity for him; after all, he had a near-affair with me, and another hot on its heels. I haven't been keeping up with him steadily, but there has probably been at least one other such interaction in the intervening years. I think what troubles me most about watching him do this is the role he played in my life.

As I mentioned before, it was Old Flame who inspired me to make all of my major life decisions (and many minor ones) in as conscious a manner as possible. He did this because he said he had (and genuinely seemed to have) made such decisions as whom to marry and when to have children by a very solid and self-searching process. I took his advice very much to heart, and went through a major re-alignment of my life, carefully bringing all aspects of it into alignment with who I am at a very deep level.

For example, I am a big--no, make that HUGE--fan of novelty. From everyday activities to long-term goals, I make it a priority to involve as much variety in my experience as possible. Sure, it's ego-gratification, but it's also done in a controlled manner, and with the express intent of making things better rather than worse. This is why I practice seduction, and why my emphasis is on building multiple quality long-term relationships, rather than desperately searching for "the one." Granted, some relationships are bound to have more value than others, but this is just part of the fun of piecing together such a puzzle. It's also why I strive to "leave them better than I found them," and spread as much love and joy as I can; I couldn't live with myself if I was doing this solely for selfish reasons. OK, I suppose it could be argued that even spreading love and joy are done for selfish reasons, but I just can't buy the argument in this case that the intent kills the value of the outcome.

So, watching helplessly from the sidelines as this particular friend appears to be making a mess of his own life and so many others is difficult, to say the least. I wish him well, and I absolutely hope for the best possible outcome for all involved. Only time will tell.

Set in Stone

The official date for my first full-on tryst with Mr. Married has been set. The hotel reservation has been made. I am locked in.

Yikes.

Actually, I'm trying to keep myself from getting too excited, albeit with limited success. I'm quite certain this is going to be a memorable event like no other, so it's difficult to act as though it's no big deal.

I know, sex is sex, and rough sex is great, but in the end, it's still only sex. We've scaled back a bit from our original plans, due to certain time restrictions, but I still have very high hopes. And now that I actually have a date to look forward to...I don't know why, but it just seems to take everything out of the realm of the possible, and into reality.

I also need to figure out the logistics of resting my body prior to, and after, the event. Specifically, I have to figure out a way to request of my regular partners that they not leave bruises between now and then. Believe me when I tell you: bruises on top of bruises suck. And of course I'll probably need a couple weeks' recovery time afterward as well. But that I'll just deal with when I get to it. Right now I have to figure out how to play sweet and innocent and "no, I'm just not in the mood for such rough sex," or something of that sort. *sigh* The things I get myself into.

Meeting B.

I made the trip south-ish to meet B. for the first time yesterday. After having chatted with him on the phone, and discovering that he speaks very slowly, I was actually a bit reticent to drive all that way. You see, I tend to prefer people who think fast, move fast, etc. The best is when I can find someone who does all those things, yet is laid back, like me. The fast motion is something I've preserved from my Type A days, while strategically turning most of me into a Type B (I'm still anal about punctuality, though).

So anyhoo, I wend my way down there, stopping for a couple of diversions along the way, and make my appearance (early, as always) at the appointed spot a bit before the appointed hour. No young guys in sight. So I wander a bit, and as I turn to return to the meeting place, finally spot him.

We had a sort of "rolling date" planned. That is, we would start with lunch, and see if there was enough interest to continue on to other things. And I should say that, had we *only* planned on lunch, there probably would not be a second get-together. See, B. is apparently the sort of person who only comes out of his shell after spending a while with you. So while we did make some conversation over lunch, his personality didn't show up until a while later.

Luckily we had planned another activity for after lunch, and I decided to go ahead and roll with it. It was during this other activity, which involved quite a lot of walking, that his personality began to shine through. And he is a very nice, very bright guy, and I enjoyed spending time with him very much. His speech never did get any faster, but I could tell that it wasn't due to his brain moving slowly, which helped a lot (I just *can't* deal with slow/stupid people. I'm not mean to them, I don't hate them, I just can't handle having them among my friends. Call it a character flaw if you will, but...I yam what I yam).

After all that walking, we wound up landing on the porch of one of the oldest commercial buildings in the state, just chatting and people watching, and then eventually we wound up doing dinner as well. We let our mutual kink show just a bit during conversation, enough so that it was obvious that we were both cool with it. After dinner we parted with a hug, and a promise to get together again in about a month. There is an event then that I'll want to be around for, so hey, why not combine it with another pleasantly spent day?

While I suspect that B. will be forever "trapped in the friend zone," I don't necessarily think that's a bad thing for either of us. The distance between us would necessitate effort of heroic proportions to overcome, and I don't think either of us are prepared to put forth that much work for a relationship that would likely be so-so at best. But as friends I think we'll do very nicely.